Differences?

It is a gloomy Saturday. Gloomy describes not only the weather pattern, but also how my mind state behaves now. This is the time, where most of your friends are out having fun somewhere. This is the time when you do not know what to feel. Most of all, this is the time when a collection of thoughts pours in. 

Maybe i am just a little tired from the journey. The journey everyone takes as long as their still breathing, only to be cut short by subconsciousness or when they surrender to the deep slumbers. This tiredness does not allow me to rest easier, sleep easier or to reach the clutch of Morpheus any faster. Instead, this tiredness have kept my eyes open wide and staring into spaces while the circuits in my mind keep running wild. 

i have thought many times after each encounter with this sort of state. And each time thinking, never it fails that the sense of guilt flows into every pore of my body. The time, for work, for improvement, for sharpening any rough ages around me and for finishing whatever i am supposed to is right here. The time needed for all these is here, but... i just don't feel like doing it. So i guess i accept it as a part of me, please forgive me. 

Somehow it feels weird, the time used for all these useless thoughts are like credits which takes me back to time where i stood before. It conjures images of what my eyes has set upon before at same time thoughts just flash through like they were just moments ago. All these for something to ask myself, what is the question this time? This time, same process and the same "ritual" but a different question when the clock ticks 4.47pm, which is "why my mind is so complicated?"

Weird and bizarre questions that came up into my mind during those rituals are: "why am i born?", "what is my purpose in this world?", "Why can't we all be the same?", "why am i me when i am not somebody" which leads to "if i am somebody will i think that why am i me when i am not somebody?", "Who is the creator of God?", " why am i so different?", "when is my death?". And if these rituals bring me back to times where i am with people that i do not feel comfortable with, another set of questions pop in. "Why are they enjoying themselves?", "Why am i here?", "What drives them and me?", "why do they even bother praying?", "why are they even born?".Of course there are also questions that are not concrete therefore unable to be describe using words, but it often it leaves bigger effect than those describable ones. 

i lost count on all these questions, but i am sure there are a lot more, because this rituals begun ever since i am just a little boy, i could hardly remember most of it. The only similar patterns that i notice about these rituals is that all the time it happens is when the sky is dark and gloomy or when there are sound of waves in the ocean. It is like i feel like something of a bigger entity is trying to speak to me, but i only get frustrated that it leaves me only a void at the end.